Sunday, January 8, 2012
What have we done, what has been done to us, to bring us to this state of affairs? There are four dramas going on in my life: I have breast cancer; in February further testing will show if what is on my lung is or isn't cancer, odds are 75% it is; my mother is swiftly sliding into dementia and obviously can no longer safely live alone, yet at this moment I'm in no position to honor my commitment to keep her here; and my beautiful relationship with my in-laws is dust in the wind. I should be strong enough to put that one out of my mind, and I do in the daylight, but it's the one that keeps me awake in the wee hours, filling me with doubts and recriminations for I know not what.
In 2112 no one will know or care, but it is 2012 and it all seems outside my control and shouldn't be. I've always been the one to tackle the dragon head on, now I slouch in its shadow watching a slow-motion movie of my life implode in front of me. I want to run up behind this figure, kick it's arse, and force it to quit playing opossum. You aren't dead I scream at it. While I think about who to give my quilts and jewelry to and if Rob is strong enough to do home hospice for me. I barely recognize this person as me. Think it could be depression? Chances are good...
From the blog Sources Of Insight, J.D. Meier "Here’s how the pessimism-rumination chain leads to depression: First, there is some threat against which you believe you are helpless. Second, you look for the threat’s cause, and, if you are a pessimist, the cause you arrive at is permanent, pervasive, and personal. Consequently, you expect to be helpless in the future and in many situations, a conscious expectation that is the last link in the chain, the one triggering depression."
The deck this week is a favorite old friend, beginning to look a little chipped and worn, like me. Art by Will Worthington, 192 page softcover book by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, published by St. Martin's Press 2004 and in steady production ever since which speaks to how popular this deck is. Used here in 3/07 and 11/10.