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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Ruminating Pessimist

Daily Draw: Druid Craft Tarot ~ 10 of Swords

What have we done, what has been done to us, to bring us to this state of affairs? There are four dramas going on in my life: I have breast cancer; in February further testing will show if what is on my lung is or isn't cancer, odds are 75% it is; my mother is swiftly sliding into dementia and obviously can no longer safely live alone, yet at this moment I'm in no position to honor my commitment to keep her here; and my beautiful relationship with my in-laws is dust in the wind. I should be strong enough to put that one out of my mind, and I do in the daylight, but it's the one that keeps me awake in the wee hours, filling me with doubts and recriminations for I know not what.

In 2112 no one will know or care, but it is 2012 and it all seems outside my control and shouldn't be. I've always been the one to tackle the dragon head on, now I slouch in its shadow watching a slow-motion movie of my life implode in front of me. I want to run up behind this figure, kick it's arse, and force it to quit playing opossum. You aren't dead I scream at it. While I think about who to give my quilts and jewelry to and if Rob is strong enough to do home hospice for me. I barely recognize this person as me. Think it could be depression? Chances are good...

From the blog Sources Of Insight, J.D. Meier "Here’s how the pessimism-rumination chain leads to depression: First, there is some threat against which you believe you are helpless. Second, you look for the threat’s cause, and, if you are a pessimist, the cause you arrive at is permanent, pervasive, and personal. Consequently, you expect to be helpless in the future and in many situations, a conscious expectation that is the last link in the chain, the one triggering depression."

The deck this week is a favorite old friend, beginning to look a little chipped and worn, like me. Art by Will Worthington, 192 page softcover book by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, published by St. Martin's Press 2004 and in steady production ever since which speaks to how popular this deck is. Used here in 3/07 and 11/10.

4 comments:

  1. (((Sharyn))), you are carrying such a heavy load. But please try not to project into the future (yes, I know that is easier said than done).

    A song for you:

    GREAT WILLOW

    Shanoo hay yah shanoo hay yah
    And we will learn to live again,
    And we will learn to love again,
    Great willow, great willow.

    She bends and turns,
    She twists and rolls;
    The wind will never break her,
    She does not break.
    And she will learn to live again,
    And she will learn to love again,
    Great willow, great willow.

    ~ Lesley Crossingham

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  2. Sorry to hear things are piling up on you and keeping you awake nights. Sleepless hours make everything seem more difficult, too, come daytime.
    You are coping with a lot. Your thoughts seem natural and even sensible, though they are thoughts most of us will often avoid till the last possible moments. It sounds like you are still tackling the dragon head on.
    Lots of people survive breast cancer, and there is a very good chance you will too. My fingers will be crossed for the outcome you're hoping for in February.

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  3. Hugs Sharyn - easier said than done, keep your chin up! I love you. You'll get through this. Kimmie ;-)

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  4. Sending lots of warm thoughts and healing energy. You really have a lot to shoulder right now. I don't know how I would handle it all. I think you are doing great, so you shouldn't worry about being depressed and not able to tackle the dragon right now and chide yourself for it. It's only natural and understandable. I think you'll need a dose of that before you can go off fighting dragons again. :)
    Keeping fingers crossed for your test results.

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I welcome your thoughts. Good bad or indifferent; opinions are the lifeblood of conversation and I always learn something from anyone with a new point of view. Thank you for visiting, Sharyn