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Saturday, October 6, 2012

Martyrdom Isn't An Option, I'm No Saint

Daily Draw: Da Vinci Enigma Tarot ~ 3 of Swords

Study of the Martyrdom of St. Sebastian, ordered shot to death with arrows by the Emperor Diocletian, Rome AD 288.
Dimmi: What are you mourning? What is painful?

The idea we are never given more than we can bear is total unmitigated hogwash. If it were even remotely true there wouldn't be any suicides.
Like Sebastian's arrows, they all killed him, not just one, the last straw syndrome; we each just have a different Tilt point. I'm working on arrows that go back over twenty years I think, no one enough to bow me but in total, finally enough to lay me out.
I've named the word depression out loud for the first time in my life, and have asked for help for the first time in my life...that was painful. But it didn't kill me...and maybe it will help. Maybe it already has. I've been up for a couple of hours and haven't discovered pointless tears running down my face yet. It is early, but believe me that is progress.

"As the eagle can be killed by the arrow winged with his own feathers, so the hand of the world is wounded by its own skill." ~ Helen Keller 1880-1968

8 comments:

  1. I totally agree with your comment "The idea we are never given more than we can bear is total unmitigated hogwash. If it were even remotely true there wouldn't be any suicides." Sometimes it takes all we can muster to get up & go through another day when depression sinks in. As one has battled with that & the deep/dark thoughts of suicide, I can only say you aren't alone & you are loved. I'm so glad I put in the long & hard work to get to the other side of it & can say I truly enjoy "living" now. Always here if you need me - Kim

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  2. gosh do i know what you mean about all of this, but especially saying aloud/asking for hard being hard.

    progress is good though :]

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  3. thank you for your notes. Just to clarify, I'm not suicidal, was there once a long time ago, but this is a different depression than I've ever worked though before. As an info-junkie it is interesting to pick apart... like I'm on the outside looking in at some type of bizarre lab experiment.

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  4. Didn't think you we're, just talking about my own journey!

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  5. The moment you asked for help, you've already begun the journey of healing. The pace may be slow, but you'll get there. (((Sharyn)))

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  6. I think it's true that we can bear anything. However, I think it is unmitigated hogwash to think that we were 'given' it by some force that knows how much we can bear.

    But bearing it is not easy. Being able to survive something is not the same as sailing through it smoothly. And everyone's way of bearing something is unique and valid. If it brings you through to the other side, it was the right thing to do, no question.

    It could be that tears each day are your way of getting through, and thus they are certainly not pointless. Be patient with yourself, and sit with your pain. I believe that observing as you are currently doing is precisely the right thing to do. If you are standing outside it enough to observe, it is not consuming you. This is how you are bearing it.

    Peace and blessings be with you.

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  7. Thank you Carla. I just don't have any patience with tears in myself, didn't even cry about my cancer, so to just be crying for months is one of the things that drove me to ask for help.

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  8. I've been building up the arrows since I was six. Always got the impression I had to be strong and move along. And I did. Sort of. It only recently came to the point where there were just too many arrows and I had to deal. Really deal. I don't believe we are never given more than we can bear although folks love to say that. I am learning to let it all become a part of me and not be fearful of owning it (and even remembering it). Step by step.

    Asking for help isn't easy. Seems like it would be but I've found that not to be the case, so good for you for taking that step. I doubt the tears are pointless. Hopefully you find the source.

    This is not an easy card, however, I do see it as a healing card. Letting the pain and suffering in to be able to let it go.

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I welcome your thoughts. Good bad or indifferent; opinions are the lifeblood of conversation and I always learn something from anyone with a new point of view. Thank you for visiting, Sharyn